February 2012
103 posts
ASK ME SUMFIN →
GOING TO BED. ASK ME THINGS WHILE I DREAM OF UNICORNS
This weekend I passed by the only abortion clinic in Nebraska. I drew this picture in paint:
There was a garage in the building. I don’t know. I don’t care if you’re against abortions because wherever they are legal there needs to be a clean and safe place for the procedure to occur.
Yup.
The best part of that picture is my roommate sleeping in the background and my complete disregard for her judgement of my selfies.
3 tags
4 tags
I bet Glenn Close and Jessica Lange get together for sleepovers and they spend the night braiding their hair and gluing their pictures onto Calista Flockhart’s body in pictures with Harrison Ford. And they use their Ouija board to contact Bette Davis and talk shit on Katherine Hepburn. And at the end of the night they pull out their Dells and play Sims, but instead of making families they...
3 tags
“Indian Summer” Ben Gibbard
3 tags
“You brilliant scientist - thank you for bring this national crisis to our...”
– Absolutely no one
2 tags
New drink idea
4YOLO - 4 shots every every liquor ever plus 4 lines of cocaine & 4 hits of acid. CAUSE YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
And then you die after this drink.
But again,
YOLO
1 tag
If unborn babies are people:
phenthouse:
People can claim an additional dependent on their taxes.
Pregnant women working full time would break child labor laws.
3 words: Children Eat Free!
Pregnant women can drive in HOV lanes.
Sex with a pregnant chick is pedophilia and breaking & entering. (“Get outa ma house!”)
“No entry to this NC-17 movie for you, lady.”
A few months ago during nap time at work I was instructed to move a frog picture down the wall closer to a child’s nap mat if he got out of control. I thought this was just means of measuring how bad he was during nap but later found out that this kid had a nightmare the day previously where a frog kissed him and turned him into a frog and he now is terrified of frogs.
On one hand,...
3 tags
An excerpt from my Helen Keller/Anne Sullivan...
Helen touched, presumably, Anne’s face. Her lips were soft like the cushions of the couch she ran into last week, plump like the roast Helen threw at her mother at dinner last night. The eyebrows she stroked were like the fern in the kitchen she often mistook for the cat. The implied glossiness of the Anne’s mane made Helen weak, that and her general lack of an immune system. If...
I want to live in a personhood state so on the off chance I have twins but one of them does that thing where it absorbs the other’s soul and powers I can have the monster one arrested for murder and cannibalization upon birth.
“I did poorly on a test and I went to the bathroom to cry and I was in there so...”
– Just sitting in a conference room discussing our most pathetic moments.
~~~so college~~~
9 tags
2 tags
For Women Who Are ‘Difficult’ To Love
Warsan Shire
You are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with...
Hopeless dreams.
1. I want to smoke at least nine bowls then I want to put on my Bose headphones and listen to a loop of Jonsi’s Go then I want to ride Space Mountain but in slow motion for like three hours while listening to Jonsi and high.
2. I want Glee to be cancelled right now. Like right in the middle of this episode.
Anyway, Aldous Huxley was George Orwell's French...
Just let that sink in.
3 tags
This is important: In which I walk in on my... →
eyemahleigh:
Walking in on your parents is over commercialized, I say this not as an opinion but a statement of fact. And it is true, in every modern sitcom there has (or will be) a joke or plot revolving around a child walking in on their parents getting intimate. But no matter the show, or the child, or how…
I think the worst part of having walked in on my parents having sex is that...
3 tags
I don’t know how people get portrait tattoo’s of like their grandmothers. It would make everything so uncomfortable for me.
Could never drink, could never smoke, could never eat six slices of pizza cause Grandma’s just sittin’ there on my arm watching me.
I’d have to take a shower in clothes because I could never be naked in front of my grandma.
Can’t even...
3 tags
3 tags
Sometimes I accidentally backwash into my water bottle and there’s particles of gross in it but instead of throwing it away I put it in my back of my closet with other similar bottles.
I call the collection “My hopes and dreams for Lindsay Lohan”
5 tags
Azealia Banks battles Lil Kim
rapindustryfanfiction:
Azealia Banks met Lil Kim at the top of Mount Everest, just like they’d planned. It had been a long, hard seven months of training—the workouts, the ten-mile runs every morning, the light arms training… But it had been worth it. She was ready.
As she dismounted her dragon, Lil Kim sneered. “Your tricks don’t amuse me, Banks,” she said, fighting to be heard over the...
2 tags
2 tags
5 tags
“He took us on a field trip to Vegas, brought us to the roulette wheel and split...”
– I really like when professors write their own reviews on Rate My Professor
3 tags
The Weepies at a birthday party
The Weepies: Oh wow it's your birthday how exciting
Everyone: Weepies stop
The Weepies: I mean it's exciting in the sense that you're getting close to death
Everyone: stop
The Weepies: But you know who cares? Your death really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things
Everyone: Weepies you need to leave
The Weepies: Everybody goes on with their lives and
Everyone: Don't do it Weepies
Weepies: the world spins madly on
Everyone: Goddammit Weepies
1 tag
lgbtactivist replied to your chat: I almost strangled a campus worker this week
its 19 cents at java jay now? fuckin Creighton.
Yeah, by the way I pay 4k for a meal plan and still have to pay 19 cents for water.
Dat Jesuit education
If you have autoplay music on your website/blog I...
You are
a. 13-years-old and have “Jesus is my boyfriend” listed as your religion on Facebook
b. Stupid.
C. on Xanga and I have gotten really confused.
18 tags
Working on scholarships
I have to write about a time I changed opinions on an issue and I’m thinking about just writing about how I didn’t used to get butts but then I saw the perfect butt and it was like the arms of Jesus embracing me into the heaven of asses.
5 tags
I almost strangled a campus worker this week
(I am eating at Creighton's version of Panera; I approach the counter where a woman is handing people cups of water)
Me: Can I uh get a cup of water
Woman: You pay for it?
Me: Well I uh bought my food I guess
Woman: .......
Me: ................
Woman: Water's 19 cents
Me: .....................................
Woman: OKAY
Me: ok
Scholarship questions I'd actually like to answer
1. “What is your favourite movie? How many times have you watched it high? What’s the difference of experiences?”
2. “Compare two characters from any television show; what makes their stories compelling for you?”
3. “Tell us your best ‘I was so drunk…’ story in vivid detail”
4. “Describe you ideal high food”
5....
2 tags
venetianfemininebitch said: duh we like Sybil
I’m finally at the point in the series where this makes sense because Sybil isn’t a useless lump of a foil character.
But yes. I agree.
2 tags
“Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or...”
– Kurt Vonnegut
1 tag
thingshappentome replied to your photo: Target apparently knows something I don’t know.
DID YOU READ THE ARTICLE I POSTED EARLIER
Yeah. Pregnant women and I have the same shopper’s profile.
3 tags
Tall ginger update:
He’s a history major.
Be still my heart
You ever just not eat for like 24 hours and then eat sushi and then just sit down and think about how much you’d like to throw up?